My current pregnancy-related pet peeve is the unreasonable amount of investment that so many people, including complete strangers, seem to have in us (and by extension them) knowing the sex of our baby prior to its birth. Now, I understand that in a world filled with gendered clothing and toys and other baby-related supplies, well-meaning loved ones want to know in part so that they can buy "correctly" gendered gifts for our unborn baby. This is, in fact, one of the things that we are trying to avoid for as long as possible, and certainly don't want to start before birth. We've even joked about not telling anyone the baby's sex or name following birth unless they change a diaper and find out that way.
There is evidence that knowing the sex of a baby changes the way that people interact with the baby and the language that they use when talking to and about the baby. We want our baby to have the fullest range of experiences and opportunities. We certainly don't want the limitations to start prior to birth. As cute as all of those frilly pink dresses and blue bow ties are, we want our baby to have other options.
All of this brings me to the second part of this frustration: when people ask what the baby's gender is. I know that they are really asking about the baby's biological sex, but the two are not the same thing. Gender and sex are two different things. It may be 2 or 10 or 25 years before we know the baby's gender. It's certainly not something an ultrasound or any other medical tests can show. The odds are pretty good that the baby's gender will be congruent with it's biological sex, but we can't and won't assume that to be the case. And it's possible that our child's eventual gender expression may vary from both it's gender identity and it's biological sex. Which makes our attempts to limit the gendered behavior toward and belongings of our child even more important. Again, I emphasize our desire to provide our child with the fullest possible range of experiences and choices.
That being said, we still find ourselves making choices for our unborn child that are obviously gendered. We have not chosen any unisex names, and the name we give our child will be totally dependent on the child's apparent biological sex at birth. We have bought a number of baby clothes that could be considered pretty boyish which we will dress the baby in regardless of it's sex, but we have not bought any girly clothes with the same intentions. It's interesting to consider our willingness to dress a female baby in "boy clothes" alongside our unwillingness to dress a male baby in "girl clothes", a relic of both internalized sexism and internalized homophobia/transphobia, I suspect.
I hope that we continue to be this thoughtful about gender norms after the baby is born, and as we continue in our parenting journey.
Edited to add the following addendum:
This post is in no way meant to be a reprimand to anyone we know or love. We tend to give folks the benefit of the doubt. This post is really meant as a commentary on the gender obsession and limitations of our society and a way of sparking some critical thought on the matter in general.
Amended a second time to add:
My issue is not really with people asking if we know the baby's sex. My issues is with the amount of investment that other people appear to have in us finding out the baby's sex. I have had complete strangers express dismay that we have chosen not to find out, not to mention the occasional friend or family expressing frustration that we have opted to keep the baby's sex a surprise. I think it is a reasonable question to ask, and a way of expressing interest in someone's pregnancy, it is the varying levels of irritation, dismay, disappointment and frustration that people express when we tell them we are not finding out the baby's sex that I find frustrating.
Tricky business, that. But, I trust you'll do well in helping the sweet little one find all the rich experiences life has to offer from rolling in the mud with the worms to talking to and baking sourdough bread in the kitchen. Both are amazing. Not entirely related, but sort of, I just read a book called Cinderella Ate My Daughter which deals in depth (and with humour) gender roles and the implications for raising children. I'd recommend it.
ReplyDeleteI know that I asked if you were finding out the baby's gender, and I hope that you know that I meant biological sex and intended absolutely no offence. Not trying to pigeonhole the little sprout before he/she gets here, just clumsily expressing my interest in your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteyou're beautiful and wonderful. i can't wait to meet the baby!
ReplyDelete